I'm a bad dad!

I spent Wednesday at home by myself with Eleanor. This was not an ideal situation but occurred as Ellie had been sent home from nursery with an upset tummy. Lisa had work commitments she could not reorganise and so, despite my neurological problems, I stepped up!

We had a great day! We did baking, made christmas tree decorations, played games, watched a movie, did cutting and sticking, did scrapbooking, made leaf pictures and made a glitter picture.

Unfortunately, Ellie had had one of her early morning starts (around 5.30am) and so I was quite tired. I was relying on her having her usual afternoon nap... she didn't! I had hoped to snooze at the same time she did. As a result by around 4pm I was exhausted. Eleanor had been well behaved most of the time (one 'time out' due to a catfood incident!). At about 4.15pm she placed her Fruitshoot on top of the TV, with the nozzle up. I immediately shouted "No Eleanor!" whilst rushing over to remove the bottle. My mind was filled with images of sweet, fruity liquid washing into the back of the TV and an explosion/fire ensuing. In near-panic I grabbed hold of Ellie and "explained" that she must never put anything on the TV. I realised I was shouting. This was only the second time I have ever shouted at her. She looked at me for a moment then started giggling then said "Daddy, you're silly!". This eased the moment and I started to laugh and we ended up hugging.

I find it odd that this is my overriding memory of a fabulous day. Amongst all the fun, laughter-filled, developmental activities we did that day it was the moment that I lost my temper that I remember. This underlines how emotionally pressured parenthood can be. When I think about being a father it is my deficits I consider. I have been trained to 'reflect' and yet I find it hard to apply this to fatherhood. I notice that Lisa's blog often questions her abilitiesas a mum. Her friend Francesca's blog often echoes this and yet it is clear that they are both fabulous, dedicated, inspirational parents. Where does this emphasis on the negative come from? I hope it makes us better parents but I suspect it makes us less calm people.

P.S. As you can see from the photo Ellie did finally fall asleep at 5.55pm. She gradually rolled onto the floor..I laid down next to her and stroked her face to soothe her after falling... Lisa came home at 6.30pm and found us both asleep on the floor!