Ellie is three

Ellie had her third birthday a short while ago. It was a great couple of days and she really enjoyed it. I was like parents the world over who see a child's birthday as a chance to refelct on where has all that time gone? It seems like only last week that Ellie was being breast fed, that I could carry her with one hand, that she couldn't yet crawl, or talk.

There is a strange sadness watching a little one grow up. They become more independent, they physically need you less and you don't feel adored in quite the same way. This is far outweighed by the love they do demonstrate, the pride of watching them learn and becoming independent, but it is still there (I suspect that's why some people chose to have more babies so that those feelings can stay with them a bit longer).

This year I realised that part of the reason they 'grow up so fast' without you almost noticing is because their independence etc sneaks up so gradually.... there aren't many huge, monolithic events which carve themselves into your family history (well, not after first steps and first words).

But there have been many just as important developments which have occurred without us noticing; Ellie now uses grown up crockery and cutlery, she has conversations, she chooses to play by herself sometimes, she chooses films to watch, she chooses books to read, she chooses her clothes, she washes her own hair, she cleans her own teeth, she chooses her own treats, she tries to teach French words to other children, she explains things, she can describe her dreams, she can argue, she pours her own milk on cereal, she wears knickers rather than nappies, she tells us when she needs a wee and is getting better with poos!

Most of these events have gradually become the norm - there was no conscious decision to start her using grown up cutlery...it just happened. It is truly wonderful watching her grow up, and I am deeply proud of her and feel privileged to watch her trying to make sense of the world around her and her attempts to order it to her liking (she is so like her mother!).

And yet I find I miss her being tiny and needy; I miss her laughing whilst flat on her back before she could crawl; I miss how tiny she was, how small her fingers and toes were, I miss how she would suck my nose if it got to close to her ever-hungry mouth....

I guess seeing her growing up reminds me of how small she was and that makes me broody! Maybe that's some sort of biological programming to ensure the survival of the species. Still, even if we did have another child they wouldn't be Ellie, and in some strange way, that makes me a little sad to.