Milestones & Transitions

It is a great pleasure watching Ellie grow, learn and try to make sense of the world around her. She is a bright, confident, curious and happy child. Of late I've been particularly struck by how well she verbally expresses herself. When younger, she would sometimes get frustrated if we did not understand what she was trying to tell us; now she tries different words and ideas if we don't get it. That said, we increasingly do get it - her saying "I want the song that makes my heart sing" was soon correctly interpreted as a request to listen to 'Wild Thing' by The Troggs!

On reflection, much of what I read to prepare me for impending fatherhood focussed on "milestones". This makes sense as these are the one-off, life-changing moments that most fledgling humans need to go through at some time or another; first steps, first word, first solid food etc. But, once they've done them, there over with. They are really a way of checking your child is developing 'normally'. Subsequently, they are really a way of reassuring sleep-deprived parents that it's all worth it!

Now, I read a fair bit in anticipation of Ellie's arrival - not as much as I meant to, I admit, but more than I think I needed. But I don't remember life's transitions getting much print area.

I've realised in recent months that Ellie has changed in subtle ways and I don't have a clue when the changes happened: she now uses grown-up cutlery, she chooses her own clothes, she requests to go to bed when she's tired, she dresses herself, she goes to the toilet by herself, she uses scissors and glue without assistance, she requests playing certain games, she problem-solves, she makes up stories, she describes her dreams (so beautiful!), she swims properly etc etc etc.....

I would say that these transitions and changes are far more enjoyable for me than the milestones were. They show less of how 'normal' she is and more of what a 'person' she is and how she is constantly changing. So I would say to any potential parents not to be too sad if they miss being around for a milestone - the transitions, which happen all the time, they won't miss. They won't spot them whilst they're happening, but you can certainly notice the difference.....

Chronicles of a Stay at Home Dad #7

Ellie finally got to go on a dragon hunt! I made a giant dragon head without her knowing and placed it on top of the garden shed. I placed the dragon we had made together in Ellie's wendy house. Her toy green plastic dragon sat on a garden step, whilst the similar red one hid by the trampoline. I hid my Nazgul's Winged Beast model (!) in her pop-up castle tent. I drew a map of the garden with strange names for features such as "the Geranium Jungle" and "the Trampoline of Terror". The wendy house became a mountain cave and the back step became "the Step of Mystery". The dragons were marked with red crosses. Ellie donned her armour and, with me for protection, she ventured into the garden. It took her nearly forty minutes to find all 5 dragons. She was great at "hitting" them with her sword. The one on the shed initially terrified her (boy, did I feel like a bad parent!) but then she asked me to lift her up. She prodded it with her sword to establish that it wasn't real and then proceeded to whack it repeatedly with her "sword" whilst laughing. Great fun.

At the weekend we managed to attend the York Carnival. Ellie really enjoyed Chris the Magician and a man walking on stilts. She particularly loved the company of friends and had a great afternoon. My favourite moment came with the Mayor's Balloon Launch.... when many of the red balloons became trapped in the grasping branches of the nearby trees.... it was quite funny really!

French For Fidgets

Ellie and I have recently started attending 'French for Fidgets' with her best friend, Elen, and her dad, Jason. It is great fun. Lucy, the organiser/teacher, puts an incredible amount of effort into the classes. Every week she has baked biscuits (shaped like animals) which the kids love. Many of her props are beautifully homemade - I particularly like the happy and sad wooden spoons! She has printed out and laminated all the song lrics in French and English. Every week there is a structured art/craft activity which goes down well after the singing and games.

I think Ellie was initially a little shy around the new people but seemed to understand that most of the speaking was in French; Lucy says something in French first, then in English, then in French a few more times. But after a few weeks Ellie is tentatively saying, bonjour, au revoir, merci, s'il vous plait, oui, non, j'ai trois ans, je m'appelle Ellie, ca va bien and I've heard her singing "cinq fromages dans le fromagerie..." and "sur ma bicyclette..."! She's even tried teaching her peers at nursery to count in French and say bonjour.

Lucy has put a lot of effort into promoting the classes. She firmly (and correctly) believes that the approach to learning languages within our education system is all wrong. Young children below 5 can learn several languages as easily as they can learn one. This ability decreases as the child grows. By ages 10-11 its an upward struggle but this is traditionally when children first start formally learning other languages. It's crazy when you think about it! The saddest thing is though, as Lucy says, she encounters much resistance from parents of 2 or 3 year olds who think their child will fail to master English if they are confused by the presence of a second language. This simply is not the case. It is noticeable that the 2 year olds at the class pick up new words in French quicker than Ellie and Elen, and yet their Englsih is about where you would expect.

We are not expecting that Ellie will be fluent in French by the time she's five or anything, but at least she is starting out appreciating that their are other languages and cultures with their own songs to sing. She enjoys the company and the activities and therefore it is a good thing.

I strongly recommend language courses of this type to toddlers everywhere! It's good for parents to brush up on their skills to!

Definition of 'sad'

Imagine..... a quiet road.... a pedestrian crossing.....both sides lined with parents with pushchairs or holding the hands of eager toddlers.... everyone is waiting for the green man to appear...... he doesn't...... time passes...... toddlers become restless....... nobody moves - no parent wants to be the first to imply that it's okay to cross when the red man is still lit up..... the road is clear but still no parent wants to be the first to yield and traumatise a horde of kids instilled with a Pavlovian sense of safety.... the road still clear.... no one yet moves.... did anyone actually press the button? Apparently not.

Top tip for parents

I have found a fantastic site for kids who like Disney movies (I suppose that's most kids!). Here you can print off cards and calendars featuring all your favourite Disney characters. You can even print them out in black and white to colour in yourself. There's even dress up characters you can print and cut out..... which I'm sure Ellie will love in a year or so. Great fun and it's all free!

Go on, go and have a look.... you know you want to:http://disney.go.com/magicartist/coloring/index.html

Chronicles of a Stay at Home Dad #3

Well, I've finally recovered from my four days with Ellie last weekend. Eleanor is definately trying to assert her independence more of late. She is spending more time occupying herself and it is possible, at times, for me to feel a little redundant. Our new approach to toilet training (in which she has responsibility for her wees and poos) underlines this. We do not prompt her to go (although we do periodically remind her that she is repsonsible) as this upsets her; it challenges her image of herself as a 'big girl'. Our role has been reduced to helping her get changed and clean up after she has chosen to not take the responsibility! It has been fairly effective but has felt fairly stressful. A large part of this has been because there has been a shift in the power dynamic within our family; she is definately in charge of this process. It is a clear reminder thht she is growing up and that one day she will not need us as much.

We had a busy few days as we had a fairly full schedule, as usual. We went to Wacky Warehouse with Evie and Vin. Both girls were quite demanding of their daddy's attentions so Vin and I spent most of the time dodging sharks in the ball pools and being pushed down slides....not that we wanted to of course! Ellie and I also walked to the library and spent over an hour reading and looking at books. For some reason Ellie chose a couple of English/French dual language books (one of which we've borrowed before). I was a little embarrassed when one of the librarians came into the kids bit and praised my French accent! We also walked to our local playground where we, again, dodged sharks! We had a great time...until some louder, rougher and bigger children arrived. Ellie worked really hard at avoiding them! Before we left she looked dissaprovingly at them and said "They're loud - the sharks will eat them". This was said with a chilling certainty.

Lisa's 8-year old god daughter, Maisy, was due to arrive on Friday afternoon, so Eleanor was instrumental in helping with all the tidying and cleaning in preparation. She really enjoyed changing the bedding, vacuuming and particularly folding the towels - strange child! Ellie's excitement about Maisy's arrival was uncontainable; if she had arrived later than expected it was feasible that Ellie would have exploded!

We did all have a lovely weekend. Maisy was delightful company and was superb in her role of surrogate big sister. Ellie was like her shadow, although we did manage not to make Maisy feel that she was responsible for Ellie when they were doing things together.

On Saturday we all trooped off to Dig - a sort of archaeological experience for the whole family. We all loved it! Four real excavations from around York have been carefully recreated and covered in rubber chippings. You are guided by an archaeologist to see what you can find armed with a plastic trowel and a small brush! The kids all loved it and the grown ups seemed to relish the chance of recreating the Time Team experience without getting muddy! The last few minutes of this were a frantic hunt for a stash of Roman coins....

Then, with the aid of the archaeologist, you were asked to sort trays of artefacts and bits dug up around York, using tweezers. These were mainly animal bone fragments and oyster shells (key components of the Viking diet!). Ellie loved using the tweezers, and was surprisingly deft at sorting out the pieces of bone, brick and charcoal (she did the shells with her fingers!).

We were then shown real animal skulls which had been dug up and then several artefacts, including a well-preserved leather shoe-sole. Maisy got to touch a mineralised Viking poo - which she was quite disgusted by. After this we were free to look around the displays and play with all the interactive stuff. The kids' attention was not as strongly held by this and so we headed off to lunch.

We dined at the Spurriergate Centre; a converted church in the middle of York. It was fun showing the bell ropes and stained glass to Maisy and explaining how it would have been different a few centuries ago.

We then trooped off to the Jorvik Centre where there was almost no queue! This was good fun, although the kids interest flagged rapidly after the ride through the recreation of Viking York. This bit was lots better than I'd remembered it being, but the museum-bit afterwards seemed much smaller and linear than before. It barely held the kids' interest at all, so we soon departed. Given the admission cost it all seemed to be over rather quickly!

We had a roast leg of lamb for Sunday dinner with the rest of Maisy's family. It was nice to all sit down and chat over food and wine. Later, the house felt emptier than usual once Maisy had left. Ellie was a little upset that she had departed and is keen for her to visit again.

I had been impressed with how happily and ably the girls had played together. Lisa and I commented that we had felt a little redundant at times over the weekend as they were happy to play together for the best part of an hour without our intervention. I think this has prompted me to think about the role of "parent" a little differently. I miss how dependent Ellie was as a baby. She is now not a baby and is forcibly asserting and exploring her independence. Sometimes this can feel like she doesn't need us or even want us there sometimes. But I've realised that this is one of the many "balancing scales of parenthood"; she does need us and often wants us to be there to help, support, engage or simply observe. Other times we need to be in the background. The balance tilts. As she grows up I expect that the balance will tilt more towards her being independent - the severing of the apron strings! But I think it will be a fluctuating balance - it will not inexorably move towards complete independence. Even in adulthood it will tilt back and she will want and need us to be there to help, support, engage and simply observe. Knowing when to step back and when to get stuck in is a part of the art of parenthood.

Thoughts for the week

1 - I'm going to need some new scalpel blades. Lisa's parents and my sister in law, Cara, came to visit us. They brought my birthday presents (thanks you guys!). Cara, being a fellow Discworld- enthusiast (although I am a mere neophyte compared to her) gave me a copy of The Unseen University Cut-Out Book. From this I can assemble a model of the said building as described in Terry Pratchett's novel. It looks to be a stunning achievement, turning it into a buildable cardboard model. It will be even more of an achievement if I finish it! It is surprisingly intricate, hence the need for scalpel blades.

2 - Parents - a funny bunch. Ellie is going to be an angel in her upcoming Nativity Play. She is excited about this. Given that all the kids are pre-school aged I was stunned to discover that some parents had complained that their children don't have 'starring roles'! They're not even five! Nursery staff had tried to be equitable and cast children who will be starting school soon in the lead roles. This seems fair to me.

3 - I love Waterstones. Whilst I tend to prefer online book shopping it was lovely to go into a shop, talk to a person, explain a little bit about the person I need a book for and for them to rattle off a list of suitable titles. I bought two as I was spoiled for choice. (Also, they didn't have a book I wanted for someone else and they recommended suitable alternatives).

4 - I love Waterstones....but for a different reason. They are selling Carcassonne and Settlers of Catan; 2 of my favourite boardgames (although I don't own a copy of the latter....£24.99 at ...well...you work it out....hint hint!). Are we finally breaking into the mainstream?

5 - Finding socks in a ballpool is much easier than finding the proverbial needle in a haystack! Thank you Evie :)

6 - I love the City of York online Library Service. I have renewed my library books from just where I'm sitting now. I've also reserved some more books....including one the Library Serivce hasn't purchased yet! How cool is that?

7 - If you see the same GP often in a short space of time then its a bit like 'family GPs' were years ago; you really can build up a relationship. Much nicer than seeing a different doctor each time you go.

8 - I've finished making Christmas cards. Admittedly this is later than I had hoped but... at least they are done! Just got to write in them, address them and actually get around to posting them.

9 - Having just watched highlights from a 2005 concert in Milan by U2 I was reminded that hearing their music is still about the closest I get to a religious experience. Nice to be reminded. I then watched them being interviewed and thought: "I wish they were my friends!". I'm such a would-be groupie!

10 - Ellie is so excited about Christmas and its rubbing off on me! I am looking forward to playing with her toy castle with her more than is reasonable for an adult. To be honest I just want to play with it...her presence is not strictly required!

11- Finally.... I have been reminded that we have nice friends. Be it Mal, Francesca (Stuntmother), Patrick and Stuart, Maisy and Henry, the guys who come gaming on a Monday night (Andy, Spencer, Greg, Vin, Jack), Tracy and Evie, Steer,Lisa S, Richard and Emma,Whit, Jason, Annette and Elen. I really like these people, enjoy their company and feel truly supported by them; something I really need at present.